GTA's VCPR (your gonna laugh hard)

[Crescent Moon]

GTA VIce City *Morality*
Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Pastor Richards, Jan Brown, and
Barry Stark

Maurice: Thank you, guys! So, we are back on Pressing Issues. Just one of the
many fine shows you'll hear if you have the patience to listen to public radio.
Although, thanks to the many awards we have won, Pressing Issues has extended
play time and is the number 1 rated show in the Vice City area. I'm your very
entertaining host, Maurice Chavez. A man climbing the broadcasting ladder at a
rate of six knots. Six years ago I was a clown, and now I'm a success!
Hahaha! Think about it! Imagine where I could be in ten years... I could
achieve anything. Anyway, morality. What is it? Why do we need it? Our
ancestors, shortly after discovering fire, built tools to beat each other over
the head and discovered how to make meat (me?) to celebrate with afterwards.
Then, Columbus came over, shut down the pilgrim discos... Why? All very
confusing if you ask me, and you did, and I ask myself, "That is a perfect
subject for a region-wide discussion show." ...Which is very lucky because I
happen to host one. To discuss the subject of morality we have firebrand
preacher, Pastor Richards, the head of the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue
Organization, a group, which plans to raise enough money to build a statue of
Pastor Richards himself. We also have Jan Brown, leader of Moms Against
Popular Culture, or MAPC... Or is it MAPS... MAPKAY... Uh, I don't know. We're
deep in acronym hell right now... Or is it purgatory? And finally, we have
Barry Stark, author of the book "As Nature Intended." He's the editor of Vice
City's "Naturist News" and is working feverishly, it says here, to bring more
nude activities to Vice City. To protect the dignity of our other panelists,
we've placed Mr. Barry Stark behind a divider.

Barry: I'm naked back here! It's my right as a person!

Maurice: Yes... Let's start with the obvious, yes... Is it moral to be
naked?

Barry: Yes! You can't stop me!

Jan: Well, I am a mother, so I have to deal with this issue every day.
My adorable kids have learned that it's wrong to be naked. When it's bath
time, they know to put on a bathing costume. That's... That's also the reason
there are no mirrors in my house. Nudity leads to bad, naughty things.

Barry: Maurice, if I may interrupt, I haven't worn clothes since 1982.
Clothes are seriously unnatural. Didn't you guys learn anything from the '60s?
I had a revelation when I was in Halle in Germany. I had always felt very
constricted. Then it hit me like a slippery fish.
Clothes are plain wrong. When you're born you're not wearing any clothes.
When you die... you're not wearing any clothes.

Maurice: I'm going to have to interrput you there. What if you die at work?
What if an enormous piece of machinery falls on you while you're working?

Barry: Clothes lead to immorality! Nudity stops people from fighting.
Have you see an issue of National Geographic lately? People around the world
are nude. You don't want to shoot a machine gun or a howitzer or a
flamethrower if you're naked. It could burn or scold in quite a personal
fashion, quite frankly. Have you been to the zoo? Animals are naked. If
everyone were naked, there'd be no war. Everyone's complaining about crime and
the theft of cars in the city. No one's ever stolen my car. No one's ever
pick-pocketed me. They've never even tried.

Richards: That's because you're a degenerate loony.

Barry: If the police were naked, it would set a great example to everyone. You
can direct traffic and eat donuts entirely in the buff.

Richards: Maurice, this kind of immoral behavior is exactly why I'm building
the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue. Noah hand an ark, Texans had the Alamo,
and I am building a highly fortified structure in my image. Simple. This 50-
story statue will be able to deflect alpha, beta, and gamma radiation. The day
is coming, and coming soon, when the Artificial Suns when rain down to punish
the degenerates of this city. But you can save yourself. The Pastor Richards
Salvation Statue will be a completely self-sufficient community. We have
canned food rations, private living quarters, and enough supplies to survive
happily the predicted 40,000 years of nuclear winter. In phase 2, and with
funding from NASA, we will equip this massive statue with rockets. So when the
poopy hits the proverbial fan, we will load up the statue with all of the
people who saved themselves through generous donations, blast into space, and
colonize Saturn with a race of morally correct, affluent people ruled by me.

Barry: Hmm... Will there be naked people?

Richards: No, turd brain! It's morally corrupt people like you we're shielding
ourselves from: Liberals, degenerates, the Welsh... They're the ones
responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today. The crime in the streets,
the parties, the children born out of wedlock to a future of hopelessness.
Anyone who does not agree with me is mentally sick, and should be shot I'm
afraid to say. We need to build a place to escape these transgressions.

Maurice: Phew... That's extreme stuff, Pastor, but we'll leave amateur eugenics
for a moment and ask our other panelists. Jan, you're a mom, so you know
everything. What is your thought on all this, and do you think Pastor Richards
stole his ideas from a movie or a book?

Jan: Well, yes I am a mom. My kids are very special. So special they go to
special classes. Now I teach my kids history to give them perspective. Last
night I was telling them about how Magellan sailed around the Strait of
Magellan and met some friendly natives that gave him supplies. Um, then he had
to kill all of them, and that's an important lesson about life. If you look at
nature, you'll see many species that eat their children to protect them. This
is especially true of hamsters. It's about putting the family first. That's
really important to me, and where a lot of my morality comes from... And if you
don't like it, find your own husband and stay away from mine, okay!?!?!

Maurice: Okay... But excuse me if I sound a little confused here, but I don't
think I understand.

Jan: Now, my morality comes from looking at history and biology and working out
what's best for my kids and screw anyone else. That's what this country's all
about. I mean-I mean, I saw the hippies... What a load of claptrap. Wha-
What's your kid going to do at a school with a name like Moonbeam or Wave or
Horseradish or whatever they call 'em. How can you take your kid to a little
league game when you live in a communal farm growing drugs? It's awful! And
that's what my life is about: Looking down on others.

Maurice: Yes, I think I can see that now. Moving on. Pastor Richards, in your
book you talk about putting yourself first and how people should not make
sacrifices or help those in need. Do you want to elaborate?

Richards: Oh, that's right! People need to learn how to take care of
themselves and not depend on others. If you read chapter 45 of my book, I talk
about how being selfish is a virtue. The best thing you can do for someone
that needs help is to tell them to help themselves. That builds moral
character. Morality, Maurice, there's not much left in this city. Every time
a culture has taken on the doctrine of helping your fellow man, we get thrown
into the dark ages. Look at Russia! They keep trying to help each other out;
extend a hand to a neighbor. And guess what? Every ten years, someone's
invading, burning down their homes, and taken their toilet paper. Napoleon,
Stalin, Attila the Hun... All of them. After you read my book, you will
understand. I may have been born in the sea, but I'm no dummy.

Barry: Ugh, are we going to talk about being naked?

Maurice: Yes, soon Barry! Eh, keep your hair on and calm down, please my
friend. Divorce rates are up, standardized test scores are down, and vampire
sittings at the mall... Can the family be safe? ...Or to put it another way:
"If we're meant to be monogomous, why weren't we born already married?" Jan,
over to you.

Jan: Well, since I'm a happily married mother, I know the family unit is the
basis of all society. Now, even when my husband is working late, or away on an
extended business trip to Hawaii with his secretary, I understand just how
important the family unit is in life. He's working hard I can get another
station wagon with even more wood on it.

Maurice: Go on. Tell me more about... your family.

Jan: Um well, I like to compare it to nature. After all, it is one planet,
even if we do just want to maime and kill each other. Especially, me. Now,
look at sharks and sandworms. One of my hobbies, besides making babies and
criticizing people, is biology. You learn so much from nature. People these
days, they don't grow their own food. They can barely get out of their
recliners and make it to the super market. Let me tell you, there's nothing
super about that place. Kids these days don't know how to preserve and can
their own food. N-No wonder all they want to do is play video games or hang
out with their friends. What is it, The Degeneratron?* What a crock of poo!

*Do take note that this is not a misspelling. Jan mispronounces
Degenetron.

Maurice: Heh-Hey hey! Watch your language! This is radio, we have regulations
about that sort of thing!

Jan: ...But you let a naked man on.

Maurice: Eh, he's behind a screen. You can't see him; He's not that exciting.
Imagine a flabby guy with a ponytail and a nasty rash. You'll get the picture.

Jan: Imagine one, I married one. Anyway, what was I saying?

Maurice: Eh, you were discussing The Degenetron, which I understand is a games
machine, then you swore.

Jan: I'm sorry, it makes me so mad. I mean, what I heard my son Patrick the
3rd... I heard him using slang words in the house the other day. Rad and cool
and stick it... I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his life, and he will
never make that mistake again. American should be spoken properly!

Maurice: What?

Jan: No, don't interrupt me! I've got children, you know, please! This is
really important. This is about the family. Look, look. Nobody knows how to
cook anymore. Nobody knows how to kill anymore. Nobody knows how to kill
dinner. My daddy was a very wise man, before that tractor pull accident. My
daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig. That's very useful information. Oh
sure, I was a little nervous at first, but he put me in a room with a fork and
a fat sow and told me he'd be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls.
As a mother, I'm proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie.
I did it for my family, and I'll do it again as a mother. Daddy earns money
and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a brave
face on things, even though her heart is breaking. Where are my pills?

Maurice: Barry... You look like you've got something to say.

Barry: I agree. Statistics show that families that spend time together naked
are the best kind of families. You see, social class distinctions disappear
when everyone is naked. I can't tell if you're rich or poor, black or white.
It doesn't matter 'cause we're all naked. Designer clothes? Try designer
nudism! My body was made by the best designer around... Mother Nature. That's
why we're lobbying to build a naked casino in Vice City, so old people can
gamble naked and poor people can lose hope in the buff.

Richards: It is written chapter 23, verse 5 of my book, he that gambles his
money away is a fool. But he that believes in me will go to spend eternity in
space with other affluent, well-to-do people. It's that simple. Do what I say
and you won't have to think for yourself.

Maurice: Oh, but I think it is Pastor. We look around: Nudy clubs, discos,
drinkin... Do people want to be moral? Can you legislate morality? Can we
tell people how to live their lives?

Richards: Absolutely! Yes, of course I can. Just look at prohibition or the
cultural revolution in China. We can learn a lot from history. Chairman Mao or
Stalin, they purged their land of degenerates or intellectuals, the scum of the
Earth in my book, and look at the great societies they built. People want to
be told how to act. Most people are idiots, and that's exactly who my
teachings appeal to. This lawless, permissive society has no boundaries, and
without boundaries how do you know where the limits are? You have to know
what's good and what's evil. You need someone to tell you so. Single moms
have obese kids, it's a fact. While rich people have a lot of guilt
unnecessarily in my opinion.

Jan: I agree. I don't think these people understand just how hard it is to
potty train. You have to give a treat when precious makes a poopy. My kids
are big boned, and they eat prunes every day, but that's what's wrong this
country. All of this emphasis on being thin and healthy. When my children are
hungry I give them a spear and send them off to the park to catch their own
food. They're learning to be self-sufficient. Yesterday, my youngest Jono,
killed the postman, but at least he was trying. So I gave him a cuddle and
told him to hit daddy next time he comes home late smelling of cheap perfume.

Maurice: Okay... It's time to take a break before we hear about anymore
criminal acts against government employees. You're listening to Pressing
Issues. Morality is the subject at hand. Let's explain exactly how free radio
without commercial breaks works. We'll be right back.

<to be continued>

[tofiluk]

I laughed so badly after reading this. GAHAHAHAHAHAHA! XD

I laughed even harder after reading the continuation!

[Crescent Moon]

hehehe. I don't want to post it all because it so long. hehehe

[Crescent Moon]

[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]

Jonathan: You're listening to VCPR. Finally, a radio station for teachers and
librarians. You've been enjoying Pressing Issues. As is normal, you can't
listen to an hour's worth of programming on this station without us begging for
money. It's the bi-daily begathon here on VCPR, where we hold your favorite
shows hostage until you pony up some cash.

Michelle: You know what's so great about VCPR? It's like a shining torch of
cultural enlightenment for Vice City. In these times of darkness when the
hordes are so uneducated, they can barely understand multi-slavic phrases like,
"Clean my shoes better, Narissa, or I'll report you to the IRS!" or dialectical
materialism. Isn't it great to have a patronizing voice on the radio?

Jonathan: That's right, Michelle. With the way things are going under Regan,
the unwashed huns from the Midwest could descend upon Vice City and enslave the
poets and postal workers and force us to watch network programming.

Michelle: That is a frightening thought, but like many things in life, you can
throw money at something and feel better about yourself. VCPR is your public
radio station, but you have to open your wallets.

Jonathan: That's right. If you pledge at the $1000 level, you'll get tickets
for "In the Future, There Will Be Robots" at the Vice City Art
Center.

Michelle: People who see that show say it's difficult to put into
English. That must mean it's spectacular.

Jonathan: Yes, but if you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to
the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets. Give now. Let's
return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in the studio! ...Useless,
talentless asshole.

Michelle: You're correct, he is an asshole!

[back to Pressing Issues]

Maurice: I love those guys! Really professional and living proof that all the
talent isn't on commercial networks. These people do it for love because they
have integrity, just like me! We're back with Pressing Issues. I'm Maurice
Chavez, winner of five public radio awards in the Vice City area, including
best voice. On this show, we take complex issues and boil them down to simple
ones so you can understand. On this segment of the show, we are discussing
morality. Since the beginning of time, man has asked questions. Why are we
here? What time is it? And is there a place around here a guy can get a
drink? Early man, as seen in the Cave of Lascaux* in France, question the
morality of making the mammoth extinct. I think we all know what happened
there. Is it society's job to tell each other how to live? Recently, Vice
City considered passing a public curfew that says nobody can be on the streets
after 8:30 PM. Of course, the bill didn't get passed, but it made people
think. If you don't vote, you get morons in charge. Is that moral? I'm not
sure. Let's press the issue.

*Side note: Maurice mispronounces the name of Lascaux, which almost sounds like
he's saying "lost cause" (originally, it was on this FAQ as Lascoz). Thanks to
countess mushroom for that!

Barry: Children should be at home with their parents naked. A curfew makes
sense. Do you know how much money I save not having to wear trendy clothes?
Read a history book. At the creation of the universe, the Big Bang, everyone
was naked. Even you! Why do I have to stay behind this divider? Maurice,
please!

Richards: Because nobody is interesting in seeing your... "business." Because
we have standards of decency which you are offending.

Barry: [jumping] Look at me! I'm jumping up and down!

Jan: Oh my goodness! Get back behind the divider, please! I'm married!

Barry: What's so wrong with me? Why do you hate me? Because I'm happy? Jan,
give me a hug! I won't hurt you! And by the sound of things, your husband is
doing the same right now with his secretary.

Jan: No! We worked through it! He was stressed! It's hard keeping a family
together these days.

Barry: Everyone! Take you clothes off and feel what it's like to be free of
bondage. Everyone out there in Vice City take your clothes off! If this is
the land of the free, let's start with our pants! Feel the wind from the air
conditioning! Uh! A breeze is so liberating!

Maurice: Uh, thanks very much. Now, if you could get back behind that divider
Barry, please, otherwise I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Thank you.
Uh, no-now sit down... On Pressing Issues, we think it is very important to
respect one another. To treat each other like we would like to be treated.

Barry: I want a hug!

Richards: If you don't like the United States, son, why don't you move to
Russia? I don't understand people in America today. They call this a Cold
War, but it's hotter as hell. Mark my words! Any day now, you're sitting in
school, passing notes, and talking about the prom when suddenly you look out
the window and there are Russian paratroopers dropping in to take over. What
can you do? Run into the woods with your friends? Call yourselves The
Wolverines? Put twigs in your hair and beat back the Russkies? No... You
hightail it to Pastor Richards Salvation Statue and blast off into space! But
there is a limited amount of space. That's why I suggest anyone who wants the
safety and security of your own bunker, give now. Call 866-9SAVEME. We'll get
you on the payment plan and if you're paid in full on D-day, you and your
family will be safe! If not, you may have to choose to save yourself and leave
the others behind.

Maurice: Hey hey hey hey! Stop selling things on my show! You're not a valued
sponsor who supports the art of public radio, buddy.

Jan: I, for one, welcome our new Russian masters. We can learn so much from
other cultures. Did you know in India the women protest by setting themselves
on fire? I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop, I
may just douse myself in kerosene. I use that as a threat to my kids all the
time, so it's no wonder they're so screwed up. That's one of the tough things
about being a mom; not ruining their life with guilt. Uh, as a matter of fact I
don't let my kids watch cartoons or slasher flicks.

Maurice: Really?

Jan: That Knife After Dark movie maybe number one in the box office, but my
kids certainly ain't going to see it. If you don't raise your kids right, they
end up being like nude boy over there or working in radio. I want them to get
proper jobs like being a doctor, not a patient.

Barry: That is offensive! My mother understood I was special! She made me
wear a bonnet as a child. And when I demanded to go to school naked, she was
fine with it! After social service moved me she was still right to me. I
still remember when she kissed me goodbye.

Maurice: But Barry, earlier you said you discovered Naturism, taking your
clothes off, whatever it is in Germany.

Barry: I know, but I lie a lot. Uh, I got a lot of personal issues. Look at
me! Please, Maurice! I need a hug!

Richards: There's another example of immorality in this city; public showing of
affection. People think we want to see them making out and carrying on. I
understand your hormones rage like a wild animal and you want to ravage one
another like there's no tomorrow, but you have to ignore what your body is
telling you and work for a higher calling, like construction! We're buildling
a statue and we need your help! Call me now!

Jan: You know, pretty soon you won't be able to tell who's a human and who's an
android. Why, the corporation is working on it right now. I know, I read
about it. I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school, "It might be an
android... Suck your brains out." You must have seen the mini-series event on
television. I read it in a book. We've got to stop looking at the stars- all
this science fiction- and focus on the family. If you really want to dance
like you're on the moon, go there and leave us in peace! ...And that's a fact!

Maurice: Eh... Uh... What's a fact?

Jan: I'm sorry Maurice, but I have to tell you... I'm moved to Florida to bring
up the American way; in a theme park. And that's just the kind of person I am:
opinionated and moronic.

Maurice: I see, well... This panel is certainly interesting. The issue is
morality. Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine aide to
Alaska with the song, "Do They Know It's the Fourth of July?" Critics complain
it's immoral to meddle in the affairs of other peoples and cultures. Pastor
Richards-

Richards: What?

Maurice: What do you make of meddling in other people's business like an over-
opinionated sociopath?

Richards: Well, let me say that money could have gone to much better things
like reserving a place by my side in the Pastor Richards
Salvation Statue, but I digress and plug.

Maurice: Stop doing that!

Richards: Don't interrupt me, boy. Anywho, I address the Alaska issue in
chapter 23 of my book. You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain simple. They
eat whale and snow and sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow every day?
Oh, I tried to help. I sent a helicopter with copies of my book but they
burned them in a pile for heat. If the people of Alaska choose to live there,
let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it
snows 18 feet a day!

Maurice: Yes, but don't you think it's important-

Richards: I think it's very important to listen to me, young man!
That's what makes the state of Florida great. Rather than help improve where
they are, people nationwide abandon hometowns, come down here, and shove their
beliefs down everyone else's throats! That's the American way, always has
been! We should send some pictures of Flordia to those people in Alaska. I
tell you, they'd throw down that bear pelt, saddle up the sled dogs, and get
pulled all the way to Vice City. And I should know, I'm from Mars!

Maurice: No you're not!

Richards: Uh... Mars, Alabama. I founded three colleges there.

Barry: The problem with Alaska is that people don't get naked. If you can't
work on your car or play the cello or use sharp knives in your birthday suit,
then what's the point of living?

Maurice: Uh, well it is a bit cold there. People put on clothes when it's
cold. We evolved without a warm covering of hair.

Richards: That's a lie, son! We come from the Great Meteor of Truth!

Barry: Clothes are a habit like shaving and taking out the trash! As soon as
you stop you realize what a prisoner you were to society and a twisted state of
morality. People think that nudists are immoral. Well, we're not! I'm
married... I love my wife... In our commune, it's so wonderful to wake up in a
big bed and go to breakfast clothed in nothing but a smile.

Richards: What kind of people are there in your weirdo commune?

Barry: Single people, families, elderly couples, teachers, politicians, and
especially truck drivers. Truck drivers understand what it's like to be by
yourself for days on end, with nothing but country music on the radio and a
stick in your hand, shifting gears... Over, and over.
Truckers realize there's nothing to be ashamed of on the open road. Get naked,
and beat it on down the line! You've never seen a sense of community and
morality like a nudist colony. We share everything: the cooking, cleaning,
wives... A shear sense of what it's like to be a social outcast.

Maurice: Uh, wait right there, Barry. I'm getting something through the cas-
Headphones that is... Yes... Okay... We just want to tell you a little more
about public radio funding. We'll be right back after this.

[mojako]

Jonathan: I hope you were enjoying Pressing Issues. I certainly was.

Michelle: Yes, it's almost as interesting as listening to you, Jonathan!

Jonathan: Wow... Thanks Michelle! It is, isn't it? Before we let you get back to the show, I thought you'd like to know VCPR has managed to raise $30 this hour, which should keep us on the air for another 15 minutes at least.

Michelle: Thankfully, due to the generosity of the people at Dileo and Furax, the fascinating show, Legal Review, will still run. But, now, back to Pressing Issues.

Jonathan: Actually before we let you get back to the show, I'd like to say something. I know that public radio may not seem very important in an era of poverty and famine and immense personal greed, but I can assure you it is. And not just because I say so, look at the facts! 15 of the last 37 American presidents and 47 vice-presidents have appeared on VCPR in the last month. 33% of all Nobel Prize winners started out in public radio. Without public radio, we would never have discovered gravity... or the pizza... or the fact that a lot of people love to hear themselves rattle. Anyway, sermon over. I hope you folks at home understand how passionate we are about public radio, and it has NOTHING to do with the fact that I got kicked off the networks.

Michelle: That was very moving, Jonathan. Back to Pressing Issues. Where is the creep? Put him on!

[goes back to Pressing Issues]


2C: PERCEPTION AND POSITIVE THINKING

Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Jenny Louise Crab, Konstantinos Smith, and Jeremy Robard

This section was sent in by Darkpowrjd, who started another guide that wasn't accepted. It has not been changed from its original format, save for any corrections that I made.

MAURICE: Hello. As you may know, you're on VCPR, and this is Maurice Chavez. That is, I am Maurice Chavez. That's Chavez. Not Chaves, or Chaviez. This isn't a game show. Sorry about the ugly opening. This isn't a game show. This is a political and social debate on free radio, without adverts. And I am still Maurice Chavez. Hi. Next up on Pressing Issues, we tackle one of the most important issues in our country today. The issue of perception. Not credit card fraud. That's deception. But we're talking about perception. How we perceive the world. These are optimistic times we're living in. A time of go-getters and doers. Our hero is the entrepinuer. The shaker and the maker. Positive thinking, we are told, is everything. Think it, and we can do it. Or can we? Let's press the issue. Now personally, some days, I wake up, and I look out the window, and I think that it's great to be alive. Other days, like payday or my ex-wife's birthday, I want to hide under the pillows and cry. But that's me. A man of contradictions, as my therapist said. He was a Jungian, but whatever. I'm Maurice Chavez, and on our panel right now, we've got three very contrasting views about the issue of positive thinking. On my right, we have gothic artist, vampire hunter, and, in his words, man of the night, Konstantinos Smith. Konstantinos, hello.

SMITH: Greetings, mortal. I hope this is good. I'm missing a séance to be here.

MAURICE: You don't sound excited to be here.

SMITH: No, man. I'm mind-numbingly depressed. It's great.

MAURICE: O-Kay… I'm going to have to interrupt you there. And, on the left, I have positive thinker extraordinaire. A man who dragged himself up from the gutter. Jeremy Robard.

JEREMY: Hey, the ghetto, not the gutter. I didn't live in the gutter. I live in the ghetto. I'm a survivor, not vermin. I'm from the streets.

MAURICE: O-kay…

JEREMY: Hey, I can teach you how to be a survivor, too. All of you. I can help everyone. I've got what they call a gift for communications. I can help you all realize that gift, make something of yourselves, realize your dreams. I'm like a high school counselor. I'll show you your potential. It's easy. All you have to do is follow my simple program on audiocassette or VHS.

MAURICE: O-okay, okay, not right now. This isn't a commercial, and if you're not going to underwrite the station, I can't let you read these blatant plugs. People pay for that.

JEREMY: Hey, everything in life is an opportunity. When I was in jail, I got the idea for my current business. And look at me now. I got offices in Vice City, Bogata, Lebanese, and Jamaica. If I can do it, I can help you make something of yourself. You can be just like me, a success.

MAURICE: H-hey, enough, enough, no more. Not a word from you until you are called upon again.

JEREMY: It's a three-stage process. Learn, start, doing.

MAURICE: Eh, shut up! I'm warning you, this my show! You shut your mouth! Shut it now and keep it shut! Do not push me, you shiny-suited prick! Do not push me!

JEREMY: Hey, you have to dress to impress. I cover that in my program. People make judgments on who you are, based on your appearance. Scientists say we form 98 percent of our opinions on a person in the first day or second that we meet them. Hey, and if scientists say it, it must be true. I’ll teach you how to live that.

MAURICE: ENOUGH! This is Pressing Issues. Enough now, okay? Enough. Please, no more. Okay, my last panelist is someone without a plan to sell. Without a program, but with a beautiful message, so it says here. Vice City's civilian of the year for 1985, Jenny Louise Crab.

JENNY: Hi, Maurice! This is such a lovely studio!

MAURICE: Thanks. How are you doing?

JENNY: Great! GREAT! HEHE!! In fact, I'm fantastic! Did you see the sunrise this morning? It was gorgeous! I've been smiling all day ever since! Ehehehe!

MAURICE: O-kay. Now let's get with the policy of ladies first, and since you seem to be the more pleasant person here, Jenny, let's start with you. You seem like a very happy person.

JENNY: Oh, I am, EHEHEHEHE!!! HEHE!!

MAURICE: Really? Why?

JENNY: Well, life's great, isn't it? HEHEHE!! I mean, good things come my way because I hold each one close, because I deserve it.

SMITH: I bet you wouldn't be so cheery if you had the black plaque. Jenny's living in a fictional world. Goths like me, we see the world for what it is. Dark songs of the night, black nail polish, and very tight black jeans, man.

JENNY: Like, everything is great, well, like, like, well, like everything!

MAURICE: Konstantinos, you're shaking your head.

SMITH: I know, Maurice, I am.

MAURICE: Any particular reason?

SMITH: Yeah.

MAURICE: What, then?

SMITH: There's only one thing good about life.

MAURICE: Uh huh, and what’s that?

SMITH: Death…

MAURICE: Death?

SMITH: Yeah, and dying. That's good, too. And black. And the moon. At least when you're dead, you can go around as an astro body, and visit places like New Orleans. I love New Orleans. It really hot and depressing.

JENNY: Oh, death is good!

MAURICE: Is it?!

JENNY: Yeah!!

MAURICE: What? I-I-If you're going to inherit a lot of money?

JENNY: Yeah, no, I mean, yes! But also if you can be positive and upbeat about things. I mean, like my parents were brutally murdered a few years ago, yeah, and I was really bothered, but I kept smiling, and I got a lead out of it! I'm a much better person today having dealt with that. They were killed so I could have a great personal experience, and I see that now.

SMITH: Lucky bastards! I wish someone would kill *me*. Then I could hang out in the graveyard all the time instead of just on weekends.

JENNY: I know I'm really lucky to have the opportunity to learn about life! You can't control everything in life, so start the day with a smile, and you'll END the day with one!

MAURICE: What do *you* start a day with, Konstantinos?

SMITH: Usually with a pint of blood at dusk, then I light some candles and cry.

JENNY: HEHEHE!! HEHE!!

MAURICE: O-kay, moving on, before we are all sick.

SMITH: No, Maurice, I DO! Because I won't be constrained by you! Life is cheap, man, and men die. If you prepare for the afterlife now, *you* will be able to summon spirits. That's the truth of the pentagram, man.

MAURICE: Ahem, how profound. You obviously have a lot of important things to tell the world.

SMITH: The world is a lie, man. Only darkness is truth. I am very much like Vlad Dracu, born in Sexora, 1441.

JENNY: Hehehe, you're scaring me. I wish you would smile and be happy!

MAURICE: O-kay, right, this isn't going that well. Hey, look, --.

JEREMY: Hey, can I say something?

MAURICE: No, I'm still pissed off with you, you shoulder-pad wearing scheister!

JEREMY: Hey, hey, hey. Back down, buster, before I bust your balls. No confrontation. As the say in the movies, I'm a man of peace. I'm done killing. Work with me.

MAURICE: What do you want? A broken nose? Some spit in your eye? You're pushing me, man! I'm Maurice Chavez!

JEREMY: I know who you are. You used to be a clown. I saw you at a bar mitzvah once. You had a great act. What, did you get tired of kids kicking you in the shin? Still, you were a first-class talent.

MAURICE: I was?

JEREMY: Yes, yes, great. But you lacked something.

MAURICE: I did?

JEREMY: Yeah. Confidence, friend. Confidence. You were all shot up with nerves.

SMITH: I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid.

MAURICE: That can be arranged. We're talking about me, not mister Konstantinos Smith.

JEREMY: Yes, confidence. It's where it all begins. Positive thinking. What are we talking about today, Maurice?

MAURICE: I forget. (Morality, oh no. Violence, oh, no…) That nutty guy without any clo- Yes, you're right. Positive thinking.

JEREMY: Exactly, friend. We're talking about you, Maurice Chavez. You couldn't cut it as a clown, but you're great, and I mean great, as a public radio host. It takes a lot of work to be up uppity and be self-important all the time. Every cab I go in, the guys love you.

MAURICE: Hey, thanks.

JEREMY: Hey, don't thank me. Thank yourself. You've learned something, then you started something, and now you're doing it. That's what it's all about.

MAURICE: It is?

JEREMY: Yes. You thought your way to success. It's a three-step program, based on studying successful people. Like me. Or maybe learn start doing is too intense for you. Maybe you should just think, hold that thought, complete. I never had anyone complain about that program.

MAURICE: Stop that!

JEREMY: Hey, I engage with you, friend, and you're exchanging with me. I cover this in my second tape. One is an positive action as practiced by successful people like salesmen or prostitutes, and the other is a negative action as practiced by failures like winos and judges.

MAURICE: WHAT?

JEREMY: Stop interrupting me. You got to open your ears and close your mouth. It's very important, I tell my old lady that all the time. I say, "Hey, I don't want to hear no complaining. I come home with piles of cash every night and all you do is bitch." The learning starts in here, and ends when we open this. Doing is a whole other story, but we'll come to that. Now all you have to do is call me right away at 866-434-SELF, and for just one monthly payment, I will change your life forever, I promise you. I'll supply you with all the materials you'll need to completely change the way you see the world, guaranteed.

MAURICE: Oh, now stop, stop right now. This is a debate program, not an infomercial.

JEREMY: Hey, that's a great idea. Listen, friend. I mean this in a friendly way. Debating is a yes and no proposition. You need to open your mind to the maybes. We're discussing like friends, not debating like enemies. You see the difference?

JENNY: Yes, I do. I think it's so much fun to be on the radio. I'd listen more, but someone stole my radio when they killed my foster family.

SMITH: I hate everyone, apart from the undead. They're the only ones you can really get along with.

JEREMY: Well, that's a start. But even you, mister long hair and pale skin, I can change your outlook, guaranteed.

JENNY: That's so great, like puppies!

SMITH: I saw some dead puppies once.

JENNY: Aww!

MAURICE: Konstantinos, I've noticed you have a lot of negative thinking. Why the Goth lifestyle?

SMITH: Well, some say life is a tea party for zombies. Also, when you only wear black, everything matches. In fact, I'll keep wearing black until something darker comes along. It's a known fact that the best poetry is written when you're horribly depressed.

JENNY: Hey, listen, I wrote a haiku. Oh, the red daisy. Flowers retain all happiness. Sunshine, YEAH!! Sunshine! HEHEHE!!

JEREMY: You'd sound like you'd enjoy my program motivate, demonstrate, then motivate again. Nobody ever complained about that program. You hug people and you laugh like you never laughed before.

MAURICE: Let's get back to the topic at hand, eh? I had enough of this weirdness. Jenny, let's start with you. How do you maintain such a positive outlook on life? It says in your file that some awful things have happened to you.

JENNY: I don't think anything awful has happened to me.

MAURICE: But it says yo-y-y-y-your parents were brutally murdered.

JENNY: MOMMY?! Where's mommy? She's just fine. She's probably taking a nap. HAHAHAHA!! You're like my bad doll, Mr. Livingston. He's a bad doll, BAD DOLL! Not like my other dolls. My mom's great though, thanks for asking.

MAURICE: O-o-kay…Wow… You're psychotic, and dosed up to the eyeballs on tranquilizers.

JENNY: If it's psychotic to be happy, then I guess I am. HEHEHE!!

SMITH: A stalagmite grows an inch every thousand years. That slow and painful. That's how I want to live my life. If you can't see the misery, stay out of the kitchen. You may have noticed this arm tattoo? It's Egyptian, and it represents the breath of life given in the afterworld. It's my key to eternal life after death.

JEREMY: Hey, why don't you carry your keys in your pocket like everyone else?

SMITH: Because only that which is burned or scratched into your flesh comes with you to the afterlife.

JEREMY: Hehe. I bet my ex-wife will be there waiting for me in the afterlife. The bitch is crazy. Hey, can you put a hex on my ex-wife, like some kind of spooky voodoo or something?

SMITH: I do dabble in the dark arts and magic.

JEREMY: I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your ass or pulling quarters out of your ears. I'm talking voodoo. You know, dance around with a chicken voodoo. That bitch was a grass.

SMITH: Why does everyone assume that just because we're goths, we're weird?

JEREMY: I don't know. The hood, cane, black fingernail polish may have something to do with it. When was the last time you seen the sun?

SMITH: It's been over 18 years since I was out in open sunlight. I only leave the house if it's raining, or if I need milk.

JEREMY: EXACTLY! Listen, I was just like you at one time, except I didn't wear makeup. That would get you a firm beating where I grew up. I'm happy to give you a sample of my course learn start doing. I promise you'll run out and buy some colored clothing, and listen to some music other than people groaning on and on for half an hour about how much it rains in Manchester. Life is what you make of it. Look at me. I got a condo, a hot tub, a lot of girls.

SMITH: Listen, you're really bringing me down, which is hard to do. I've been to the other side many times. Sometimes, I barely come back. It's all about astro projection. Like right now, I'm projecting myself into the women's bathroom at the fairgrounds.

JEREMY: Hey, that's a good trick. Maybe you and I should go into business together.

MAURICE: Oy, look, I've had enough of this love fest. You, you're a motivational conman, and you, you are a maniacally depressed loony with anemia. You guys should hate each other.

JENNY: Did you say Love Fist? Those guys are so super. Listen, I just wrote another poem. If I had a flower for every time I think of you, I'd walk forever in a garden.

MAURICE: And I just wrote a poem, too. Shut up, you weird, pathetic people! This is my show, Maurice Chavez. Capeech? Comprende? We are not here to recite poetry or sell motivational tapes or talk to dead people. We are here to press the issue. Anyway, let's take a break. We'll be right back after this important information from Vice City Public Radio.

to be continued.....