Post by Blessed Devil on Sept 29, 2007 17:30:43 GMT 7
Right from the outset – Part I
Poignant Misfortune[/i][/u]
“There is nothing more dangerous than a woman who doesn’t know what she wants, but is willing to do anything to get it.”
- Geno Calamari
There was a boy.
Obviously, boy meets girl, they get closer, and eventually, fall in love and live happily ever after, until something breaks them apart.
That is the typical teenage romance story you hear when other people share the story of their “first love” with you. And what you are about to read is a story of what began as a normal romance mess-up which turned into something extraordinary.
Let’s call the boy “Jack”. Jack was a very happy man. He used to spend his entire life cracking up jokes and he was always smiling. He had always been like that, and it was amplified when he met a girl named Dianne.
Yes, Jack was in love with Dianne. Dianne was in love with him as well. They aren’t classmates. Not even schoolmates. But their relationship wasn’t about how much time they spent together, but about how they spent their time with each other. Whenever Jack had problems all he needed to do was call Dianne, and they would both laugh and smile even to the point that their cheeks would hurt and they were forcing themselves to frown. He didn’t even need to tell her the problem, because purely the sound of her voice made him happier than anything.
This relationship carried on for many months. They faced problems. They moved mountains. Jack had never said sweeter words in his lifetime, because she was her first love. And first love is what everyone cherishes the most, because when you fall in love the first time, you have no experience. No prejudice. And so you throw yourself at it with everything you’ve got. Every relationship after that will bear the scars of that first failed relationship, and people will forever remember that lost innocence.
One of their most memorable dates was on Valentines Day, wherein Jack took Dianne to a movie. As they were watching, Jack grabbed Dianne’s soft, smooth hands and put on her finger his Valentines gift. It was a ring. And he thought he had given her an extremely good gift already, but Dianne had something better for Jack. As the move ended and Jack was about to get up from his seat, Dianne pulled him back by the arm and whispered in his ear the three words that define all relationships. “I love you,” she said, before giving him the first kiss he would ever have from a girl.
Dianne and Jack later on rode a bus on their way home. They were just enjoying each other’s company, as Jack had his right arm around Dianne’s shoulders, with his hand touching her arm. Dianne had her head leaning on Jack’s shoulder and was enjoying the scent of his perfume, which she had grown to love almost as much as him. There was a long moment of silence. They had always been like this, when neither of them could figure out what to say to each other. They would wait for hours on end in order to find something to talk about. But they were funny that way. They could sit alongside one another and have an entire conversation just with their eyes.
But eventually, the silence broke. “Let me ask you something, Jack…” Dianne began. “If you could promise me one thing, what would it be?”
“Hmm… well I can’t promise that I’ll love you forever and ever…” Jack paused, looking upwards searching for an answer. “But what I can promise you is that I wouldn’t love anyone else for a long, long time. Say um… 3 years, maybe? I wouldn’t date anyone else, I wouldn’t get a new girlfriend. Even if you leave me. Even if you’re in love with somebody else. I won’t.”
Dianne shifted her head so that she could get a clear view of Jack’s face. “Do you really mean that?” she asked.
“Of course,” the man smiled at her. “I don’t go back on my word!” he says, clearly indicating that he had been watching too much Naruto.
A lot more things happened to the couple than that date, and a very passionate couple they were, always looking for the sweetest things to say to each other. If there would be one word to describe them, it would be… cheesy. Yes.
For a while, it seemed as though they would last forever.
There was a time that Dianne would just stare blankly into the distance, somehow unable to smile no matter the effort Jack exerts to provoke her laughter. Whenever he would ask her what was wrong, she would refuse to say anything, and so Jack would have no choice but to continue trying to make her smile. But in the end, he would always fail. This pattern continued for weeks.
Nothing annoyed him more than that. It was bad enough that she wouldn’t let her loved one know what the hell was up with her. It was also getting irritating that when he would try and get into a conversation with her, she’d only reply coldly and it would feel like he was really only talking to a machine. He also hated how she would say that she was okay when it was so obvious that she was anything but okay. He hated her attitude back then with a passion.
But what he hated the most was that he felt so helpless. He wallowed in self-pity every time he looked at those forlorn eyes, that sad expression, and that long frown which he just couldn’t turn upside-down.
In the end, all he could say was that he missed that smile. He hadn’t seen it for weeks.
“Ashton bought me lunch earlier today,” Dianne mentioned to Jack as they were sitting on the seats just outside of her house.
It surprised Jack that Dianne had finally started a conversation with him, but at the same time, upset him.
Bugger… Jack thought. Dianne is finally starting a conversation with me and it had to be about him…
Ashton was not a person that Jack liked very much, because that guy had a habit of always being mentioned by Dianne. Sure, it might be because he’s a great guy and he’s Dianne’s classmate and he always happened to do something noteworthy. But Jack always had a gut feeling that this guy was trying to make a move on Dianne, hence why he does the things that he does. Although, even if he did make any move, Jack was sure that Dianne wouldn’t submit to his charm. He trusted her like that.
“Oh?” Jack replied, forgetting his resent for the man. “Why did he do that?”
“I don’t know, really…” Dianne sighed.
“Eh? Well maybe he just had so much money he didn’t know what to do with them,” he joked rather poorly, but having only a glimmer of hope in your heart does that to you sometimes.
Dianne didn’t laugh. Didn’t say anything. Didn’t react at all.
And that was the end of Jack’s eagerly anticipated talk with Dianne. The way it ended had crushed Jack’s hopes of things ever being like they were in the beginning. The beginning when purely the presence of each other was enough to make them smile. When the expression that was being forced upon was a frown and not a smile. Every joke, every laugh, every sweet word that had ever come out of their mouths, they were all gone.
The thick rope that was Jack’s patience had just snapped. And a teardrop slid through his cheek.
He begged for Dianne to smile. He didn’t hold back on the tears anymore – he cried his eyes out and pleaded like a hungry child. He looked like what someone would officially call a nutcase. He was even going “Leave me if you want! Go and be in love with Ashton if that’s what makes you happy. All I wanna do is see you smile again!”
And although he was nuts, he meant every word, god damn it. If she wasn’t happy with him, he thought he should just let her go. It was the first time he realized just how important a smile was. He realized that he’d rather spend his life with a person who isn’t much devoted to him, but happy, rather than someone who is very passionate about him, but is always crying.
Dianne was touched about that, and for the first time in a long time, she smiled again. Jack didn’t know whether or not it was a real smile, but he didn’t care. He missed that expression of hers and he wasn’t about to spoil the moment.
She became a little happier, although not as much as she used to be.
A few days later, Dianne learned that this Ashton loved her, just like Jack had assumed. He had made his move, finally, and after everything that Jack and Diane went through, one would think that she would ignore this, right? She does love Jack, doesn’t she?
Wrong. She had decided to drop everything. She was actually in love with Ashton, and the reason why she was so quiet and lonely before was that she was confused about how she felt and she just didn’t know what to do. In the end, she had just decided to pick Ashton over Jack.
Jack should be angry, but he wasn’t. He should be hurt, but he wasn’t. He should be erasing every single memory of this girl and their love right now, but he didn’t. If this is really how it feels like to lose someone you love… he thought… then it really isn’t as bad as most people say it is. He simply accepted things as they were, because he believed that a feeling wasn’t something you can control. That it just comes around on its own and, naturally, goes away by itself. You can never stop it. And so he let her go. He just hoped that Ashton would look after her well.
He woke up the next morning with a headache. Literally and figuratively. He shouldn’t be thinking about love, but he was. He shouldn’t be thinking about Dianne, but he was. He shouldn’t be thinking of how they had nine months of intimacy, nine fucking months, and she gives it up when that bastard waltzes in through the door all handsome and cool… He shouldn’t be doing so many things, but he was. He still loved her, he knew that, but this time it was like he was thrown into a completely different void. He was walking through the hallways of school looking around like he was new to this world.
So this is what the world is like without Dianne’s love…
He had that haunting, empty feeling for a long, long, time. He had underestimated the impact of a heartbreak. In his case, he didn’t feel the impact by simply hearing the girl say she loved someone else. He felt the impact by feeling that things just weren’t the same anymore. And the more days that passed, the more it throbbed.
Jack wasn’t a very happy man anymore. He didn’t crack up that much jokes. He didn’t smile all that much anymore. He spent much of his time staring blankly into space, always thinking about what happened. He shouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t have just let her go that easily. He should’ve taken her aside and sorted out that relationship. He should’ve talked to her that first morning. There were so many things he could’ve done… they could’ve done… but now it’s carried away by the wind.
He started thinking about everything in his life. Even those that weren’t related to Dianne. He didn’t want to make wrong decisions again – he wanted to know what to do next time.
First love really isn’t meant to last, but it changes you in a way that lasts forever.
But it wasn’t the end of the tragedy. No. Because whenever Dianne and Ashton would have arguments, Jack was the one who Dianne would turn to. That seemed wrong, because it gave Jack the impression that she was flirting with him again. But he didn’t want to believe that, because Dianne’s heart was something made of pure gold and she was perfect and if there was something seemingly wrong she was doing, there is always a deep reason for it. She could do whatever she damn pleased and if there was anything contrasting that anybody had to say about it, they’d have to answer to Jack.
The only thing that mattered was that Dianne was coming closer to him again, while here he was trying his best to let go. And so, with all his willpower, he just halted all forms of communication with her. He didn’t even say goodbye. All Dianne knew was that her phone didn’t ring every night anymore.
What was it, they said? “If you love something, let it go. If it was really meant for you, it’ll come back.”
Jack thought that saying was bullshit. If you love something, keep it close. Never let it go or it’ll slip away. He didn’t keep Dianne close enough, and so she slipped off to Ashton.
Protect something, love something, keep it close, and it will never have a reason to leave you.
Remember that.
Right From the Outset – Part II
Sensation Reiteration[/u][/i]
“Time flies by. Seasons turn. People come. People change. People go. Love is born, shattered, and resurrected. It all happens in the shallow space of a single lifetime.”
- Joboy Villena
The sun was going west.
Jack sat alone on a bench in the park. He was waiting for someone. But it wasn’t just anyone. It was a very special someone. Not just a friend. This someone was more than that. He loved this someone. Loved her with all his heart. He would always pick her up after class. He would pay for her fare most of the time. She would lay her head on his shoulder. He would have the world.
He suddenly remembered to check if he had enough coins to pay for their fare. He grabbed his wallet and saw bills, coins, cards, and a picture. A picture of Dianne. One look at that picture reminded him of… that. It had been almost three years since that happened. He remembered how much it hurt him to see her face light up as she talked about him. He remembered how painstakingly slow the heartbreak crushed him. How every day his head had felt heavy, but he had to keep going anyways because he had things to do, people to talk to, lessons to learn. He remembered how he had to stop talking to her just to keep himself from slowly bleeding to death. After so long, of course, the pain had stopped. And yet… the scar still remained.
He hated that picture. It reminded him of what he had done and what he had lost.
He failed to remove it from his wallet for three years, despite everything. He wasn’t so sure why. Was it just to show off to his male acquaintances? Or was it a desperate attempt to stay connected to her despite telling himself that he had moved on? Did he just not want to send every memory of her into oblivion? He didn’t know.
He decided that he didn’t want to see it every time he opened his wallet anymore. His connection with her was over – there was someone new. And so he opened his bag, grabbed a pen and a paper, and drew something just to cover the picture. He only drew something simple. It was just a boy and a girl, representing him and “her”. He slid the drawing in front of Dianne’s picture. The picture lay behind the drawing, never to glare at him with its accusing eyes anymore. And despite the drawing not being that good, every stroke of his pen was filled with the memories of him and this new girl. The girl that he was waiting for.
Memories. They were the sole reason why within those two years, Jack couldn’t resist communication with Dianne anymore. His curiosity was piling up so badly that he felt his head was about to burst. He wanted to know how the girl that gave him so much memories was doing.
As he dialed the phone, his fingers were desperately trying to pull back. He wanted to talk to her, but he was afraid. He was afraid that after such a long time of having moved on, the sound of her voice might make everything he had intentionally banished come back.
It was too late, though. The movement of his fingers was just too strong for the rational mind to prevent.
They had talked again. And it was just like before, when they were still friends. The time when they talked to each other without any romantic connection. When the things that they say weren’t so sweet. They weren’t so cheesy anymore, and it was actually fun. For a long time, they talked as if one had died and come back to life. Jack felt good, not because of anything sweet or romantic. He felt good simply because he was having fun.
From that point on, Jack had started calling Dianne regularly. Not as often as before, but still, he checked up on her every month or so.
“We just broke up,” Jack heard the voice of a schoolgirl sitting on a bench not three meters away from him. He didn’t plan this day to eavesdrop on some random stranger’s conversation, but he needed something to entertain him while he sat there. Patient for the girl he was waiting for.
“That’s awful! Why?” asked the schoolgirl’s friend.
“I have no idea, but it has something to do with my ex,” replied the schoolgirl.
It’s funny how Jack should hear those words. It was exactly how Ashton and Dianne separated. It turns out that Ashton was…not as nice of a guy as Jack had thought. No, he was more than that. He was an overprotective, domineering asshole who was extremely strict about their relationship.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
“Jack called earlier,” Dianne mentioned to Ashton.
The guy grunted. “And what did he say?”
“Oh, we just gave ourselves time to catch up on each other. It was only about twenty minutes, though.”
“Twenty minutes? Didn’t we agree that you’re only allowed to talk with him for about five minutes?”
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Jack remembered that he felt kind of angry that time. He didn’t let go of Dianne just for her to be with someone who was like… that. He let go of her because he trusted Ashton to make her feel happier than he could. Hearing that he treated her so badly made him want to tell her to break up with him. He wanted to tell her that she was stuck with someone who always made her cry. That he was not treating her the way a boyfriend should.
But he didn’t. Because he thought she was perfect and if she wanted to stay with Ashton, she had a good reason for it. Also because he was her ex and making her break up with him would make it look as though he only wanted Dianne for his own selfish desires. But mostly because she loved Ashton, and he cared about her feelings. She knew Ashton better than him. What right did he have to judge them?
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Dianne and Ashton had a fight. Not the usual kind of argument – they have those all the time. In this one, feelings were hurt and tears were shed. Dianne ran into her room crying and didn’t stop until the phone rang. It was Jack.
“Hello?” he started.
“Hey, Jack…” she responded coldly.
“Y-You okay?”
“No… Ashton and I had another fight.”
Jack hesitated as they were talking. He was unsure of the right thing to do. He always had been like this whenever they have this sort of fight. He was always careful not to make any comments about Ashton that would offend Dianne.
He wondered if anyone had noticed…
…that he never made her cry like that.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Eventually the two broke up. But not because Dianne wanted to. No. It was because Ashton wanted to. Oh, was she crying her eyes out when it happened. Jack was even more riled up at Ashton during that time. How dare he, after taking her away from him only to treat her like dirt, hurt her like this? For a moment, he wanted to take that chance to get back together with her, but there was something holding him back. Something he couldn’t explain. Maybe there was still a tiny bit of angst in him that kept on telling him “She chose that bastard over you,” and he never thought of getting back together with her since.
Jack sighed. The sun was setting, and she still wasn’t here. The girl who would never leave him. The girl who would love him no matter what other guy comes along. The girl who would never drop what’s in her hands just to hold on to something more. The girl he was waiting for.
He watched as one child was running towards his mother, leaving his playmates behind, confused. He had probably missed her so much. What the child didn’t see was that as he was running, another man – his father – stepped in between. The child bumped into his father’s legs and fell flat on the floor. The family laughed.
Somehow that reminded him of Dianne yet again. What was it about this day that kept him thinking about her?
It reminded him of how, long ago, after a certain amount of time Dianne was single, Jack had finally set aside all his angst on her and decided to go plan on getting back together with her again. All he needed to do was talk to her more often, have more fun with her, all the stuff he needed in order to get closer to her again as before. And then when everything is set, he’d pop the question on her. Not that question. The question, “Will you be my girlfriend?”
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
He was grinning as he merrily walked along the side of the road, making his way into her house. His hair was elegantly combed, he got himself a new watch, sprayed some perfume on himself, and even bought a rose and hid it in his bag for a surprise. It had been, what? A month, since they last talked? He might’ve missed a lot of things, but he was just going to catch up with her today. Actually, that’s how he planned on getting closer. He could imagine how it was gonna go already. First, they’d go “Oh, hi! I missed you!” and then “Hey, I’m going to show you something new!” and it would all continue from there.
He knocked on the door excitedly.
And as Dianne opened it, her eyes widened. “Jack! Hey! What are you doing here?”
“Nothing, just came to talk.”
“Come in, come in!”
Indeed, he went in, and sat upon the couch that he hadn’t sit on for years. “So… how are you?” he asked.
“Oh, fine,” she answered, as she checked her cell phone and read a message. “Heheh, great, actually.”
“Really? How come?”
“Well… have I ever mentioned Ron to you before?”
“I don’t believe so… who’s that?”
“My new boyfriend.”
Just like that, Jack’s elegant hair dropped, his watch ran low on battery, his perfumed lost its smell, and the rose withered inside his bag.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Jack felt like the child who bumped into his father. Except he was the only one laughing.
And after such humiliation and disappointment, Jack hadn’t talked to her again for… oh… another month, maybe. It was so embarrassing that he didn’t dare tell anyone about that. Not his friends. Not his family. Not even his… bathroom… or something.
He wouldn’t even dare to tell that to “her”. The girl he was waiting for.
He looked at the clock. It was almost six. He wondered if he would make it in time for dinner at home.
Time. Something free but priceless. Something you can use, but you can’t own. Something you can’t keep, but you can spend. Something that once you lost, you can never get back. Yeah, that old poem. Time was all that Ron needed to give Dianne. The loss of time for each other had caused their otherwise great relationship to separate. Jack could only sigh, but none of that mattered anymore. The only thing that mattered was that he was here and “she” was coming.
He looked around. It was night already. “She” was taking longer than he had thought. Maybe he’d wait for another fifteen minutes, and if “she” didn’t get here by then, he’d–
“Jack, I’m here…”
He stood up and turned around. It was she. The girl he was waiting for.
“Welcome home, Dianne!” Jack smiled as he pulled her closer and held her tight.
Yes, it was still Dianne. But this time, things were completely different. She wasn’t the girl who would leave him when someone else comes her way anymore. He wasn’t the guy who would let her go so easily. She had learned her lesson, and he had learned his. They’re both different people now. They’ve known each other for so long, this felt so old, and yet they’re so different it felt so… new.
Jack had changed a lot. He grew less cheesy, he grew smarter, and overall, his past experiences had changed him. But there was one thing that remained constant.
After all those years, he still loved Dianne.
What was it, they said? If you love something, let it go. If it were really meant for you, it’d come back.
Jack wasn’t so sure about his opinion on that anymore, and frankly, he didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was that this time, he’d never let her go again.
For three hours, Jack was waiting in the park. But after all those recollections, those events he remembered, it felt as though he was waiting for three years.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
“Let me ask you something, Jack…” Dianne began. “If you could promise me one thing, what would it be?”
“Hmm… well I can’t promise that I’ll love you forever and ever…” Jack paused, looking upwards searching for an answer. “But what I can promise you is that I wouldn’t love anyone else for a long, long time. Say um… three years, maybe? I wouldn’t date anyone else, I wouldn’t get a new girlfriend. Even if you leave me. Even if you’re in love with somebody else. I won’t.”
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
The End.
Poignant Misfortune[/i][/u]
“There is nothing more dangerous than a woman who doesn’t know what she wants, but is willing to do anything to get it.”
- Geno Calamari
There was a boy.
Obviously, boy meets girl, they get closer, and eventually, fall in love and live happily ever after, until something breaks them apart.
That is the typical teenage romance story you hear when other people share the story of their “first love” with you. And what you are about to read is a story of what began as a normal romance mess-up which turned into something extraordinary.
Let’s call the boy “Jack”. Jack was a very happy man. He used to spend his entire life cracking up jokes and he was always smiling. He had always been like that, and it was amplified when he met a girl named Dianne.
Yes, Jack was in love with Dianne. Dianne was in love with him as well. They aren’t classmates. Not even schoolmates. But their relationship wasn’t about how much time they spent together, but about how they spent their time with each other. Whenever Jack had problems all he needed to do was call Dianne, and they would both laugh and smile even to the point that their cheeks would hurt and they were forcing themselves to frown. He didn’t even need to tell her the problem, because purely the sound of her voice made him happier than anything.
This relationship carried on for many months. They faced problems. They moved mountains. Jack had never said sweeter words in his lifetime, because she was her first love. And first love is what everyone cherishes the most, because when you fall in love the first time, you have no experience. No prejudice. And so you throw yourself at it with everything you’ve got. Every relationship after that will bear the scars of that first failed relationship, and people will forever remember that lost innocence.
One of their most memorable dates was on Valentines Day, wherein Jack took Dianne to a movie. As they were watching, Jack grabbed Dianne’s soft, smooth hands and put on her finger his Valentines gift. It was a ring. And he thought he had given her an extremely good gift already, but Dianne had something better for Jack. As the move ended and Jack was about to get up from his seat, Dianne pulled him back by the arm and whispered in his ear the three words that define all relationships. “I love you,” she said, before giving him the first kiss he would ever have from a girl.
Dianne and Jack later on rode a bus on their way home. They were just enjoying each other’s company, as Jack had his right arm around Dianne’s shoulders, with his hand touching her arm. Dianne had her head leaning on Jack’s shoulder and was enjoying the scent of his perfume, which she had grown to love almost as much as him. There was a long moment of silence. They had always been like this, when neither of them could figure out what to say to each other. They would wait for hours on end in order to find something to talk about. But they were funny that way. They could sit alongside one another and have an entire conversation just with their eyes.
But eventually, the silence broke. “Let me ask you something, Jack…” Dianne began. “If you could promise me one thing, what would it be?”
“Hmm… well I can’t promise that I’ll love you forever and ever…” Jack paused, looking upwards searching for an answer. “But what I can promise you is that I wouldn’t love anyone else for a long, long time. Say um… 3 years, maybe? I wouldn’t date anyone else, I wouldn’t get a new girlfriend. Even if you leave me. Even if you’re in love with somebody else. I won’t.”
Dianne shifted her head so that she could get a clear view of Jack’s face. “Do you really mean that?” she asked.
“Of course,” the man smiled at her. “I don’t go back on my word!” he says, clearly indicating that he had been watching too much Naruto.
A lot more things happened to the couple than that date, and a very passionate couple they were, always looking for the sweetest things to say to each other. If there would be one word to describe them, it would be… cheesy. Yes.
For a while, it seemed as though they would last forever.
There was a time that Dianne would just stare blankly into the distance, somehow unable to smile no matter the effort Jack exerts to provoke her laughter. Whenever he would ask her what was wrong, she would refuse to say anything, and so Jack would have no choice but to continue trying to make her smile. But in the end, he would always fail. This pattern continued for weeks.
Nothing annoyed him more than that. It was bad enough that she wouldn’t let her loved one know what the hell was up with her. It was also getting irritating that when he would try and get into a conversation with her, she’d only reply coldly and it would feel like he was really only talking to a machine. He also hated how she would say that she was okay when it was so obvious that she was anything but okay. He hated her attitude back then with a passion.
But what he hated the most was that he felt so helpless. He wallowed in self-pity every time he looked at those forlorn eyes, that sad expression, and that long frown which he just couldn’t turn upside-down.
In the end, all he could say was that he missed that smile. He hadn’t seen it for weeks.
“Ashton bought me lunch earlier today,” Dianne mentioned to Jack as they were sitting on the seats just outside of her house.
It surprised Jack that Dianne had finally started a conversation with him, but at the same time, upset him.
Bugger… Jack thought. Dianne is finally starting a conversation with me and it had to be about him…
Ashton was not a person that Jack liked very much, because that guy had a habit of always being mentioned by Dianne. Sure, it might be because he’s a great guy and he’s Dianne’s classmate and he always happened to do something noteworthy. But Jack always had a gut feeling that this guy was trying to make a move on Dianne, hence why he does the things that he does. Although, even if he did make any move, Jack was sure that Dianne wouldn’t submit to his charm. He trusted her like that.
“Oh?” Jack replied, forgetting his resent for the man. “Why did he do that?”
“I don’t know, really…” Dianne sighed.
“Eh? Well maybe he just had so much money he didn’t know what to do with them,” he joked rather poorly, but having only a glimmer of hope in your heart does that to you sometimes.
Dianne didn’t laugh. Didn’t say anything. Didn’t react at all.
And that was the end of Jack’s eagerly anticipated talk with Dianne. The way it ended had crushed Jack’s hopes of things ever being like they were in the beginning. The beginning when purely the presence of each other was enough to make them smile. When the expression that was being forced upon was a frown and not a smile. Every joke, every laugh, every sweet word that had ever come out of their mouths, they were all gone.
The thick rope that was Jack’s patience had just snapped. And a teardrop slid through his cheek.
He begged for Dianne to smile. He didn’t hold back on the tears anymore – he cried his eyes out and pleaded like a hungry child. He looked like what someone would officially call a nutcase. He was even going “Leave me if you want! Go and be in love with Ashton if that’s what makes you happy. All I wanna do is see you smile again!”
And although he was nuts, he meant every word, god damn it. If she wasn’t happy with him, he thought he should just let her go. It was the first time he realized just how important a smile was. He realized that he’d rather spend his life with a person who isn’t much devoted to him, but happy, rather than someone who is very passionate about him, but is always crying.
Dianne was touched about that, and for the first time in a long time, she smiled again. Jack didn’t know whether or not it was a real smile, but he didn’t care. He missed that expression of hers and he wasn’t about to spoil the moment.
She became a little happier, although not as much as she used to be.
A few days later, Dianne learned that this Ashton loved her, just like Jack had assumed. He had made his move, finally, and after everything that Jack and Diane went through, one would think that she would ignore this, right? She does love Jack, doesn’t she?
Wrong. She had decided to drop everything. She was actually in love with Ashton, and the reason why she was so quiet and lonely before was that she was confused about how she felt and she just didn’t know what to do. In the end, she had just decided to pick Ashton over Jack.
Jack should be angry, but he wasn’t. He should be hurt, but he wasn’t. He should be erasing every single memory of this girl and their love right now, but he didn’t. If this is really how it feels like to lose someone you love… he thought… then it really isn’t as bad as most people say it is. He simply accepted things as they were, because he believed that a feeling wasn’t something you can control. That it just comes around on its own and, naturally, goes away by itself. You can never stop it. And so he let her go. He just hoped that Ashton would look after her well.
He woke up the next morning with a headache. Literally and figuratively. He shouldn’t be thinking about love, but he was. He shouldn’t be thinking about Dianne, but he was. He shouldn’t be thinking of how they had nine months of intimacy, nine fucking months, and she gives it up when that bastard waltzes in through the door all handsome and cool… He shouldn’t be doing so many things, but he was. He still loved her, he knew that, but this time it was like he was thrown into a completely different void. He was walking through the hallways of school looking around like he was new to this world.
So this is what the world is like without Dianne’s love…
He had that haunting, empty feeling for a long, long, time. He had underestimated the impact of a heartbreak. In his case, he didn’t feel the impact by simply hearing the girl say she loved someone else. He felt the impact by feeling that things just weren’t the same anymore. And the more days that passed, the more it throbbed.
Jack wasn’t a very happy man anymore. He didn’t crack up that much jokes. He didn’t smile all that much anymore. He spent much of his time staring blankly into space, always thinking about what happened. He shouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t have just let her go that easily. He should’ve taken her aside and sorted out that relationship. He should’ve talked to her that first morning. There were so many things he could’ve done… they could’ve done… but now it’s carried away by the wind.
He started thinking about everything in his life. Even those that weren’t related to Dianne. He didn’t want to make wrong decisions again – he wanted to know what to do next time.
First love really isn’t meant to last, but it changes you in a way that lasts forever.
But it wasn’t the end of the tragedy. No. Because whenever Dianne and Ashton would have arguments, Jack was the one who Dianne would turn to. That seemed wrong, because it gave Jack the impression that she was flirting with him again. But he didn’t want to believe that, because Dianne’s heart was something made of pure gold and she was perfect and if there was something seemingly wrong she was doing, there is always a deep reason for it. She could do whatever she damn pleased and if there was anything contrasting that anybody had to say about it, they’d have to answer to Jack.
The only thing that mattered was that Dianne was coming closer to him again, while here he was trying his best to let go. And so, with all his willpower, he just halted all forms of communication with her. He didn’t even say goodbye. All Dianne knew was that her phone didn’t ring every night anymore.
What was it, they said? “If you love something, let it go. If it was really meant for you, it’ll come back.”
Jack thought that saying was bullshit. If you love something, keep it close. Never let it go or it’ll slip away. He didn’t keep Dianne close enough, and so she slipped off to Ashton.
Protect something, love something, keep it close, and it will never have a reason to leave you.
Remember that.
Right From the Outset – Part II
Sensation Reiteration[/u][/i]
“Time flies by. Seasons turn. People come. People change. People go. Love is born, shattered, and resurrected. It all happens in the shallow space of a single lifetime.”
- Joboy Villena
The sun was going west.
Jack sat alone on a bench in the park. He was waiting for someone. But it wasn’t just anyone. It was a very special someone. Not just a friend. This someone was more than that. He loved this someone. Loved her with all his heart. He would always pick her up after class. He would pay for her fare most of the time. She would lay her head on his shoulder. He would have the world.
He suddenly remembered to check if he had enough coins to pay for their fare. He grabbed his wallet and saw bills, coins, cards, and a picture. A picture of Dianne. One look at that picture reminded him of… that. It had been almost three years since that happened. He remembered how much it hurt him to see her face light up as she talked about him. He remembered how painstakingly slow the heartbreak crushed him. How every day his head had felt heavy, but he had to keep going anyways because he had things to do, people to talk to, lessons to learn. He remembered how he had to stop talking to her just to keep himself from slowly bleeding to death. After so long, of course, the pain had stopped. And yet… the scar still remained.
He hated that picture. It reminded him of what he had done and what he had lost.
He failed to remove it from his wallet for three years, despite everything. He wasn’t so sure why. Was it just to show off to his male acquaintances? Or was it a desperate attempt to stay connected to her despite telling himself that he had moved on? Did he just not want to send every memory of her into oblivion? He didn’t know.
He decided that he didn’t want to see it every time he opened his wallet anymore. His connection with her was over – there was someone new. And so he opened his bag, grabbed a pen and a paper, and drew something just to cover the picture. He only drew something simple. It was just a boy and a girl, representing him and “her”. He slid the drawing in front of Dianne’s picture. The picture lay behind the drawing, never to glare at him with its accusing eyes anymore. And despite the drawing not being that good, every stroke of his pen was filled with the memories of him and this new girl. The girl that he was waiting for.
Memories. They were the sole reason why within those two years, Jack couldn’t resist communication with Dianne anymore. His curiosity was piling up so badly that he felt his head was about to burst. He wanted to know how the girl that gave him so much memories was doing.
As he dialed the phone, his fingers were desperately trying to pull back. He wanted to talk to her, but he was afraid. He was afraid that after such a long time of having moved on, the sound of her voice might make everything he had intentionally banished come back.
It was too late, though. The movement of his fingers was just too strong for the rational mind to prevent.
They had talked again. And it was just like before, when they were still friends. The time when they talked to each other without any romantic connection. When the things that they say weren’t so sweet. They weren’t so cheesy anymore, and it was actually fun. For a long time, they talked as if one had died and come back to life. Jack felt good, not because of anything sweet or romantic. He felt good simply because he was having fun.
From that point on, Jack had started calling Dianne regularly. Not as often as before, but still, he checked up on her every month or so.
“We just broke up,” Jack heard the voice of a schoolgirl sitting on a bench not three meters away from him. He didn’t plan this day to eavesdrop on some random stranger’s conversation, but he needed something to entertain him while he sat there. Patient for the girl he was waiting for.
“That’s awful! Why?” asked the schoolgirl’s friend.
“I have no idea, but it has something to do with my ex,” replied the schoolgirl.
It’s funny how Jack should hear those words. It was exactly how Ashton and Dianne separated. It turns out that Ashton was…not as nice of a guy as Jack had thought. No, he was more than that. He was an overprotective, domineering asshole who was extremely strict about their relationship.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
“Jack called earlier,” Dianne mentioned to Ashton.
The guy grunted. “And what did he say?”
“Oh, we just gave ourselves time to catch up on each other. It was only about twenty minutes, though.”
“Twenty minutes? Didn’t we agree that you’re only allowed to talk with him for about five minutes?”
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Jack remembered that he felt kind of angry that time. He didn’t let go of Dianne just for her to be with someone who was like… that. He let go of her because he trusted Ashton to make her feel happier than he could. Hearing that he treated her so badly made him want to tell her to break up with him. He wanted to tell her that she was stuck with someone who always made her cry. That he was not treating her the way a boyfriend should.
But he didn’t. Because he thought she was perfect and if she wanted to stay with Ashton, she had a good reason for it. Also because he was her ex and making her break up with him would make it look as though he only wanted Dianne for his own selfish desires. But mostly because she loved Ashton, and he cared about her feelings. She knew Ashton better than him. What right did he have to judge them?
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Dianne and Ashton had a fight. Not the usual kind of argument – they have those all the time. In this one, feelings were hurt and tears were shed. Dianne ran into her room crying and didn’t stop until the phone rang. It was Jack.
“Hello?” he started.
“Hey, Jack…” she responded coldly.
“Y-You okay?”
“No… Ashton and I had another fight.”
Jack hesitated as they were talking. He was unsure of the right thing to do. He always had been like this whenever they have this sort of fight. He was always careful not to make any comments about Ashton that would offend Dianne.
He wondered if anyone had noticed…
…that he never made her cry like that.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Eventually the two broke up. But not because Dianne wanted to. No. It was because Ashton wanted to. Oh, was she crying her eyes out when it happened. Jack was even more riled up at Ashton during that time. How dare he, after taking her away from him only to treat her like dirt, hurt her like this? For a moment, he wanted to take that chance to get back together with her, but there was something holding him back. Something he couldn’t explain. Maybe there was still a tiny bit of angst in him that kept on telling him “She chose that bastard over you,” and he never thought of getting back together with her since.
Jack sighed. The sun was setting, and she still wasn’t here. The girl who would never leave him. The girl who would love him no matter what other guy comes along. The girl who would never drop what’s in her hands just to hold on to something more. The girl he was waiting for.
He watched as one child was running towards his mother, leaving his playmates behind, confused. He had probably missed her so much. What the child didn’t see was that as he was running, another man – his father – stepped in between. The child bumped into his father’s legs and fell flat on the floor. The family laughed.
Somehow that reminded him of Dianne yet again. What was it about this day that kept him thinking about her?
It reminded him of how, long ago, after a certain amount of time Dianne was single, Jack had finally set aside all his angst on her and decided to go plan on getting back together with her again. All he needed to do was talk to her more often, have more fun with her, all the stuff he needed in order to get closer to her again as before. And then when everything is set, he’d pop the question on her. Not that question. The question, “Will you be my girlfriend?”
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
He was grinning as he merrily walked along the side of the road, making his way into her house. His hair was elegantly combed, he got himself a new watch, sprayed some perfume on himself, and even bought a rose and hid it in his bag for a surprise. It had been, what? A month, since they last talked? He might’ve missed a lot of things, but he was just going to catch up with her today. Actually, that’s how he planned on getting closer. He could imagine how it was gonna go already. First, they’d go “Oh, hi! I missed you!” and then “Hey, I’m going to show you something new!” and it would all continue from there.
He knocked on the door excitedly.
And as Dianne opened it, her eyes widened. “Jack! Hey! What are you doing here?”
“Nothing, just came to talk.”
“Come in, come in!”
Indeed, he went in, and sat upon the couch that he hadn’t sit on for years. “So… how are you?” he asked.
“Oh, fine,” she answered, as she checked her cell phone and read a message. “Heheh, great, actually.”
“Really? How come?”
“Well… have I ever mentioned Ron to you before?”
“I don’t believe so… who’s that?”
“My new boyfriend.”
Just like that, Jack’s elegant hair dropped, his watch ran low on battery, his perfumed lost its smell, and the rose withered inside his bag.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Jack felt like the child who bumped into his father. Except he was the only one laughing.
And after such humiliation and disappointment, Jack hadn’t talked to her again for… oh… another month, maybe. It was so embarrassing that he didn’t dare tell anyone about that. Not his friends. Not his family. Not even his… bathroom… or something.
He wouldn’t even dare to tell that to “her”. The girl he was waiting for.
He looked at the clock. It was almost six. He wondered if he would make it in time for dinner at home.
Time. Something free but priceless. Something you can use, but you can’t own. Something you can’t keep, but you can spend. Something that once you lost, you can never get back. Yeah, that old poem. Time was all that Ron needed to give Dianne. The loss of time for each other had caused their otherwise great relationship to separate. Jack could only sigh, but none of that mattered anymore. The only thing that mattered was that he was here and “she” was coming.
He looked around. It was night already. “She” was taking longer than he had thought. Maybe he’d wait for another fifteen minutes, and if “she” didn’t get here by then, he’d–
“Jack, I’m here…”
He stood up and turned around. It was she. The girl he was waiting for.
“Welcome home, Dianne!” Jack smiled as he pulled her closer and held her tight.
Yes, it was still Dianne. But this time, things were completely different. She wasn’t the girl who would leave him when someone else comes her way anymore. He wasn’t the guy who would let her go so easily. She had learned her lesson, and he had learned his. They’re both different people now. They’ve known each other for so long, this felt so old, and yet they’re so different it felt so… new.
Jack had changed a lot. He grew less cheesy, he grew smarter, and overall, his past experiences had changed him. But there was one thing that remained constant.
After all those years, he still loved Dianne.
What was it, they said? If you love something, let it go. If it were really meant for you, it’d come back.
Jack wasn’t so sure about his opinion on that anymore, and frankly, he didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was that this time, he’d never let her go again.
For three hours, Jack was waiting in the park. But after all those recollections, those events he remembered, it felt as though he was waiting for three years.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
“Let me ask you something, Jack…” Dianne began. “If you could promise me one thing, what would it be?”
“Hmm… well I can’t promise that I’ll love you forever and ever…” Jack paused, looking upwards searching for an answer. “But what I can promise you is that I wouldn’t love anyone else for a long, long time. Say um… three years, maybe? I wouldn’t date anyone else, I wouldn’t get a new girlfriend. Even if you leave me. Even if you’re in love with somebody else. I won’t.”
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
The End.
