Post by Blessed Devil on Jun 29, 2008 15:26:20 GMT 7
1. First, you must create a TOTALLY PIMPED-OUT and preferably illogical pseudonym because regular old names are too boring for today’s X-TREME generation (also applies to black metal, only you replace "pimped-out" with "evil").
2. You must write songs about highly innovative and original topics such as sex, drugs, violence, money, women, and nightclubs to establish yourself as a totally unique individual because those topics have never been written about before or even discussed for that matter. Remember, nobody likes a poseur! Also make sure to be sexist and racist towards white people.
3. When you write a song, go for style and not substance! Make sure you rhyme as many times as you can. Don’t worry about sacrificing the coherence of your message to all your forced rhyming; there’s no substitute for kool!!! In fact, the more incoherent your song is, the better. See Riding Dirty for inspiration! Also curse a lot. Make sure to say fuck, shit, bitch, hoe, nigga, ass, dick, pussy, piss or muthafucka every other line. PROTIP: You are trying WAY too hard if the chorus of your song contains more than 5 different words.
4. Make sure to repeatedly lace your lyrics with random vocal interjections such as “uh-huh,” “yeah,” “das right,” and most recently "ballin" to remind everyone that you’re totally off the hook. Of course, these meaningless vocal spasms of shite do not serve to the fill the void when you can’t think of more substantial things to rap about...
5. Give your completed lyrics to a 4th grader. If he understands what’s being said, you’ve done well. See Soulja Boy
6. Don't even bother about singing because that takes talent and effort. Just talk in somewhat of a rhythm—occasionally. Speak normally the rest of the time. Make certain that you butcher the English language as much as you can. Never speak correctly. That's not being totally pimp, yo!!!
7. Turn on the radio to a rock station. Listen for a catchy guitar riff and record it. Synthesize it, and alter it slightly. Loop it about 100 times and you have your VERY OWN, NON-PLAGIARIZED RAP SONG! Next, drop random samples of police sirens and loading guns to show everyone that you're a bad-ass rebel. Then give yourself a cookie.
8. Eat a lot of beans and fart in a recorder. Effect it, and you have bass.
9. Sit on your lazy, narcissistic ass and let other people who are more talented than you mix the CD.
10. Put a picture of a hot woman on your CD cover to compensate for your lack of hot women in the real world. Also, do it to boost the sales of your CD because you know your shit sucks, and is hence likely to attract the sort of crowd liable to use it for a cheap wank.
11. It is impossible for a rap "song" to be by just one rapper. It's a little known fact that every rap song features at least 100 other rappers, most of whom are unknown. In fact, the majority of every rap CD isn't the actual rapper.
12.
?
13. PROFIT!
2. You must write songs about highly innovative and original topics such as sex, drugs, violence, money, women, and nightclubs to establish yourself as a totally unique individual because those topics have never been written about before or even discussed for that matter. Remember, nobody likes a poseur! Also make sure to be sexist and racist towards white people.
3. When you write a song, go for style and not substance! Make sure you rhyme as many times as you can. Don’t worry about sacrificing the coherence of your message to all your forced rhyming; there’s no substitute for kool!!! In fact, the more incoherent your song is, the better. See Riding Dirty for inspiration! Also curse a lot. Make sure to say fuck, shit, bitch, hoe, nigga, ass, dick, pussy, piss or muthafucka every other line. PROTIP: You are trying WAY too hard if the chorus of your song contains more than 5 different words.
4. Make sure to repeatedly lace your lyrics with random vocal interjections such as “uh-huh,” “yeah,” “das right,” and most recently "ballin" to remind everyone that you’re totally off the hook. Of course, these meaningless vocal spasms of shite do not serve to the fill the void when you can’t think of more substantial things to rap about...
5. Give your completed lyrics to a 4th grader. If he understands what’s being said, you’ve done well. See Soulja Boy
6. Don't even bother about singing because that takes talent and effort. Just talk in somewhat of a rhythm—occasionally. Speak normally the rest of the time. Make certain that you butcher the English language as much as you can. Never speak correctly. That's not being totally pimp, yo!!!
7. Turn on the radio to a rock station. Listen for a catchy guitar riff and record it. Synthesize it, and alter it slightly. Loop it about 100 times and you have your VERY OWN, NON-PLAGIARIZED RAP SONG! Next, drop random samples of police sirens and loading guns to show everyone that you're a bad-ass rebel. Then give yourself a cookie.
8. Eat a lot of beans and fart in a recorder. Effect it, and you have bass.
9. Sit on your lazy, narcissistic ass and let other people who are more talented than you mix the CD.
10. Put a picture of a hot woman on your CD cover to compensate for your lack of hot women in the real world. Also, do it to boost the sales of your CD because you know your shit sucks, and is hence likely to attract the sort of crowd liable to use it for a cheap wank.
11. It is impossible for a rap "song" to be by just one rapper. It's a little known fact that every rap song features at least 100 other rappers, most of whom are unknown. In fact, the majority of every rap CD isn't the actual rapper.
12.
?13. PROFIT!
